


Raijin Parody

by Warp5Complex_Archivist



Category: Star Trek: Enterprise
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-03-27
Updated: 2006-03-27
Packaged: 2018-08-16 06:22:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,007
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8090944
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Warp5Complex_Archivist/pseuds/Warp5Complex_Archivist
Summary: Parody made for The Logical Choice parody thread.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Kylie Lee, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [Warp 5 Complex](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Warp_5_Complex), the software of which ceased to be maintained and created a security hazard. To make future maintenance and archive growth easier, I began importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in August 2016. I e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but I may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [Warp 5 Complex collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/Warp5Complex).

  
Author's notes: I know it's before Impulse, but I couldn't resist the Trellium jokes.  


* * *

Location: Xindi Council. 

Dolim: They attacked our Trellium mine!

Degra: And they stole a large supply of itâ€¦

Meanwhile in the Cargobay of Enterprise.

Tâ€™Pol sits in front of a massive pile of Trellium. 

Tâ€™Pol: My precious.

Itâ€™s been a long road, getting from stoic Tâ€™Pol to Trellium addict Tâ€™Pol.   
Itâ€™s been a long road, but her character is finally destroyed.  
Because sheâ€™s got Trellium in the Cargobay.  
And no oneâ€™s going stand between her and it.  
Sheâ€™s got Trellium to get high,   
So she can bear those neuropressure sessions.  
Sheâ€™s got Trellium.  
Trellium in the Cargobay.

Tâ€™Pol: Is this enough pressure?

Trip: No it feels fineâ€¦ Oww! 

Tâ€™Pol: Now itâ€™s the right pressure.

Trip: People seem to think somethingâ€™s going on between us.

Tâ€™Pol: Well you come here and strip half-naked and have me poke you. Youâ€™re pretty slow to not expect people to talk.

Trip: Is there more than neuropressure going on here?

Tâ€™Pol: Like Iâ€™m going to tell you that I purposely hurt you with too much pressure because I like to watch your pasty butt suffer.

Trip: You said that aloud.

Tâ€™Pol: Oops.

In Archerâ€™s quarters.

Archer: Look ladies- Iâ€™m in my underwear! 

Scratches self and heads to sickbay.

Phlox: Youâ€™re scratching it again. I told you not to scratch it because it would only harden and grow larger.

Archer: I know, but I canâ€™t help it. Itâ€™s just there.

Phlox: Put this cream on it and rub it repeatedly up and down. Make sure not to rub it too hard or too long. It will squirt out fluid.

Archer: Okay doc.

Phlox: Now put back on your shirt. The ladiesâ€™ drool buckets are overflowing.

Enterprise: Wee! Iâ€™m in standard orbit!

Inside a market on the planet.

Archer: Iâ€™ll have two lizards kabobs to go. You donâ€™t happen to have mustard do you?

Malcolm: Excuse me Captain, we need to go see that chemist.

Archer: Canâ€™t I have a break from the Dark Archer routine for a few minutes?

Trip: Ooh look, caged animals!

Archer: Where? Where?

In the chemistâ€™s shop.

Archer: My first officer needs Trellium-D for experiments sheâ€™s running.

Chemist: My, the amounts you want could line a ship 10 times over.

Archer: She says she needs all she can get for her experiments.   
By the way, do you know where the Xindi are?

Chemist: Why, you want to blow them up?

Archer: No, thatâ€™s Lt. Reedâ€™s specialty.

Chemist: They were here last week. They bought some slave girls.

Archer: Slave girls? Sounds like a cheesy plot coming our way.

Raijin: No, itâ€™s just me. Save me you strong man, you!

Archer: Ooh, I for some reason completely trust you and want to take you aboard my ship.

Raijin: Thanks. Iâ€™ll bring all my outfits. 

Phlox: My scans show sheâ€™s a lying, manipulating spy.

Archer: So sheâ€™s completely safe?

Phlox: Yesâ€¦ By the way, are you still itching it?

Archer: Yeah. Iâ€™ve been itching it more sense Raijin came aboard. I rubbed the cream over it, but itâ€™s not helping.

Phlox: Perhaps you should see Tâ€™Pol. Sheâ€™s quite good at scratching itches.

Archer: Itâ€™s become rather large. She might not be able to handle it.

On the planet.

Chemist: Ooh Old Spice. You shouldnâ€™t have! Hereâ€™s your two tons of Trellium-D.

Enterprise: Whatâ€™s a planet like you doing in this system? Wanna dance with me?

Archer: You look great in skanky clothes Raijin.

Raijin: Thank you. What are you doing under the table?

Archer: Sorry, just scratching an itch.

In engineering.

Tâ€™Pol: Do you have my Trellium?

Trip: Yeah. Why did you request it in these little baggies?

Tâ€™Pol: Itâ€™s easier toâ€¦ experiment with. Now leave us alone!

In Archerâ€™s quarters.

Raijin: I just want to make love to you.

Archer: Iâ€™ll just stand here while you press yourself against me, feel me up, and kiss me. My what tingly hands you have.

Raijin: The better to scan you with my dear.

In the science lab.

Tâ€™Pol: Itâ€™s the perfect grade.

Trip: Perfect grade for lining the ship?

Tâ€™Pol: Ummmâ€¦ yeah.

Explosion.

Tâ€™Pol: You idiot! You blew up half my supply!

In the turbolift.

Raijin: Why donâ€™t we go back to your quarters Hoshi.

Hoshi: Sure. No one else around here finds me attractive. 

In Tâ€™Polâ€™s quarters.

Tâ€™Pol: Sniff. Sniff. All that trellium lost.

Raijin: Want to have a lesbian scene?

Tâ€™Pol: No.

Raijin: Too bad. Youâ€™re already in one.

Tâ€™Pol Faints.

Trip: Iâ€™m here for my rubdown. What you doing on the floor?

Sheâ€™s a maniac, maniac that Raijin. And sheâ€™s running like sheâ€™s never ran before.

In sickbay.

Phlox: Sheâ€™s okay, but she has a high level of Trellium-D in her system.

Archer: Must be from the explosion earlier.

In the brig.

Archer: Iâ€™m going to yell at you now because I didnâ€™t get any!

Raijin: Fine, but youâ€™re still not getting any.

Enterprise: Crap! Why are ships always firing at me?

Raijin: My buddies are here to set my skanky butt free.

Archer: I wonâ€™t let them. Super Archer to the rescue!

Reed: Oh no! Theyâ€™ve got cooler weapons than us. And theyâ€™ve got kryptonite!

Raijin: Iâ€™m outta here.

In sickbay.

Phlox: She gave them scans of all of us, but on the bright side, we have a corpse and a weapon.

Archer: Sounds like a good trade to me.

In the Xindi Council.

Degra: And here Raijin is modeling the new line of Seven of Nine catsuits by Borg Fashion, Ltd.

Raijin walks the runway and the episode fades to black.


End file.
